- Alyson Chaney
Becoming a Single Momma.
I remember the weekend this picture was taken. I recently came back from my solo baby shower and when I returned things felt off. Little did I know it was the beginning of a long unfaithful relationship during and after pregnancy.
Hours before, I was standing in my closet sobbing, trying on the up-teenth summer cover-up hoping to find one that didn’t make me feel like a whale, and at the same time, I was also just starting to unravel the number of lies I was being fed by my then partner. I was playing naive up until this point, but when some suspicions I had were confirmed, I finally knew I wasn’t just being a crazy pregnant girlfriend.
Lies, girls, drugs, parties, it never ended. There was a brief month right after my son was born that he stopped going out, “oh he’s finally changing” I thought. Nope, just a brief hiatus. This pattern continued for a year and a half, and on top of having postpartum depression, I had very little support from him, I continued to lose myself, and sank deeper into a hole of self worthlessness, and became a fragile shell of my former self.
I knew that if I stayed I will be miserable forever. That much was clear.
But how was I supposed to move on when I was scared shitless of raising a child by myself?
How was I supposed to move on when the person I loved decided to be routinely unfaithful?
How was I supposed to move on knowing I was going to be tearing my child’s family apart?
It seemed impossible…
But 5+ years ago, I managed to move my way out of it (quite literally). Here are 5 things that have helped me become a better woman and mom.
1) Accept that you’re feeling like shit.
It’s difficult to accept what you’re feeling right now. If you’re anything like I was, you’re probably feeling upset, betrayed, and let down and you can’t help but question your own self-worth. But you need to understand these feelings are perfectly normal. The more you try to deny these feelings, the longer they’re going to stick around.
I tried to put on a brave face and ignore my feelings, but it didn’t work.
2) Don’t blame yourself.
It’s common for women to blame themselves when they’ve been cheated on. “Wasn’t I enough?” “Did I provide enough fun? Excitement? Emotional support?” If you dated/ married to a gas lighter you probably thought you were wrong all.the.time.
Hold up, what is gaslighting you ask? Well, I’m glad you asked girl!
“Gas Lighting is a form of manipulation where a person slowly plants seeds of doubt in an individual, making them question their own memory, perception, and judgment. Eventually, you will no longer question them, even when they blatantly lie to you.”
This is a great article
3) Get over the jealousy.
This is a huge emotion that runs rampant for almost everyone that gets cheated on.
Jealousy can lead to resentment, and:
“Resentment is like a poison you drink yourself, and then wait for the other person to die”
4) Don’t get even.
Trying to get even keeps your anger alive, and keeps you in a state of negativity, which will prevent you from moving on and going forward in your life.
5) Take care of yourself.
This is a broad one, but go to therapy, go on a solo vacation, move away (that was my self-care of choice)
Getting over the hurt of infidelity takes time so don’t rush the process. If you have a child together he will never fully go away, so you cant just forget about him. It’s better to heal and work on being a better version of yourself for you and your kiddo.
You don’t have to forgive (I never did), but you might end up thanking him (in your mind, not out loud) for forcing you to put in the work of becoming a stronger more badass woman and momma.